June Stew
June musings, themes, music, books, and podcasts that have been touching my heart.
Art by Ellie Kerr-Smiley
June holds within it the Summer Solstice here in the northern hemisphere. The time of greatest light, of doing, and getting things done. For me this month has been transformational, the solstice has shined light onto parts of my life that have been excruciatingly out of alignment.
It’s interesting as I age, I have become more comfortable with the darker months, the isolation and introspection that comes with them. But I’ve learned that in isolation I am never triggered. In a book, in thought, the intellect, the ethers are where I can understand my purpose. Quiet aloneness is my default, where I feel most like myself. It is in the light I am most tested, activated, and uncomfortable. June has mirrored back to me that this is because there are parts of my inner landscape, life and being a human on this planet I didn’t wish to shine light upon. It’s more comfortable when they’re kept in the dark.
Tracker School this June activated such a control trigger in me the experience was hard to fully comprehend. It was like 10 years of therapy shoved into 7 days. I said out loud through tears multiple times “why can’t I just surrender.” My control issues literally chased me out of the sweat lodge. More on this later in a piece I’m working on.
Tom Brown Jr. Tracker School 10/10 recommend. Click the link to find out more.
Control is a masculine, patriarchal, colonial concept. This has been one of our human species greatest mistakes, believing that through sheer force and will, we can control nature and fate. It has been my foothold into this colonial world that I haven’t been willing to give up. I’ve just skated around it. I’ve read the books, apprenticed under amazing teachers, done the workshops, created the business, decolonized in many ways… but not this one. Control I’ve held onto. It all comes down to safety, if I feel in control of my body, my experience, my daughters, my finances, then I will be safe and never get hurt. Unfortunately, on the other side of that coin I will never be able to truly feel and be in awe of the magic and mystery that is this life. Grasping for control has also drained my energy for the majority of my life. It’s like trying to catch smoke and hold it in the palm of your hand. And when things start to feel out of control, which of course they inevitably will, the sensation in my body is comparable to someone chasing me with a knife, life or death. Not good for my nervous system, and I’ve felt and had to reckon with the effects.
This summer I’ve pledged to immerse myself in the muck of learning how to surrender. Deeply and truly trusting the 3 spinners and my fate. Through circumstance it really feels like it’s finally time. Surrendering to the fates doesn’t mean some love and light BS “everything’s going to work out perfectly and easily”. Surrender is being in full trust that even the hardships are perfect. The Lyme disease is perfect, the financial/business ebbs and flows are perfect, my daughters growing up and seeking independence is perfect. Surrender is riding the wave rather than being the cement building trying to stand up against the storm. And it’s hard, so so hard.
Here are some themes, books, poems, podcasts and songs that have been holding me up through this unraveling in June.
The Story Is in Our Bones by Osprey Orielle
This book has taken me on a deep dive into indigenous origin stories. How our ancestors from all over the world lived in deep trust and reciprocity with nature and each other. There was no need for control or ownership or mastering. Instead trust that the path was laid out perfectly. The great spirit doesn’t make mistakes. Mamma Earth always provides when in right relationship. Humans, like our animal kin are biological wired for this kind of existence, just waking and being. What we are doing now, with the extractive constant growth model is so unnatural, we are expected to work and exist like machines & it’s killing us. Not just physically sickening us but spiritually crushing us as well. Control makes me feel safer in this paradigm, but it also guarantees I’ll never get out of it.
Summoning The Fates by Z. Budapest
This book takes you into the world of the 3 spinners of fate. The Norns- Urd, Verdandi and Skuld. She explains how the 3 spinners pull your eternal thread from the well of wyrd and you have say on your purpose and path here, but you don’t remember making these deals, so you have to trust. Urd goddess of past, Verdani goddess of present, and Skuld the goddess of future. Although we always have free will the Norns spin and weave our path in perfect alignment with the greater collective calling. We are never alone, and the more we surrender the easier our threads will weave.
Herbs With Rosalee Podcast
Such a wonderful podcast that I really lean into during the summer months. She chats with other herbalists about specific herbs and their indications, recipes and personalities. It’s been such good medicine to find an herb in my garden and search for it on her podcast, listen, and follow the recipe.
Since The Beginning- Olivia Fern
“Can you hear the song that has been calling you home since the beginning. It’s been calling you to remember who you are.”
May June treat you well dear ones. If you’re in the thick of it like myself, lean into the perfect web of all that is. Even in the excruciating, gut wrenching moments, we are being guided. We are being spun. Headed toward our fate.
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A lesson that is making itself known for me currently is based on control as well. I have the unconscious tendency to brace myself, to resist, to tighten up to anything uncomfortable. When doing so really prolongs and exacerbates everything. Learning to let it go through me, be uncomfortable, or in pain, or feel the hard emotions, lets them pass on so much faster. But, I almost never remember that, especially in the thick of it, in the hard moments.